Remembering

Remembering Tyke on his birthday. Grateful for 16,441 beautiful days together.  A life of love, kindness, happiness and fun.  Our kids, "We have the best kids."  He wanted to see our granddaughters run and play in our yard.  They ran together through the grass for the first time just last week. The joy I felt was tinged with sadness.  I saw it for us both.  

I could almost hear you laugh. 

 My love for you is endless.

Life is so complicated.  The horrible injustice in Minnesota.

As a Mother, it tore at my heart.  George Floyd.  Black Lives Matter. 

 A chance for us all to be better to each other.  We must do better.

The threat of Covid keeping us apart.  Missing my extended family and friends.

I was living in self imposed isolation before things shut down in March.  

I so long for normal, whatever that may be today. 

What's happening at home?

Having my deck power washed and repaired.  Something that has needed attention for a couple of years.  DIL Amanda put me in touch with a craftsman she works with.  What Paul did in an hour would take me all day.  No hand cramps for me this year. Feels good taking care of the deck since the family spends as much time outside as possible. 

Then, finding all the food in the freezer turned to mush.

I only feel bad about the ice cream I lost, I told the salesman at the appliance store as I purchased, a new refrigerator (alone) for the very first time.  I went to Abt in Glenview and was helped by the kindest gentleman, David.  He texted me with a new delivery date for this week, after giving me a date for late next week.  Before entering the store my temperature was taken, everyone was wearing masks.  I was anxious, took me 65 years to make a large purchase alone.  The universe put me in the hands of a kind, compassionate and friendly man.  Now I have a guy at Abt.  That's cool because I need a dishwasher and stove in the new year.

I hope that you are all healthy and that the stress of life

 has not taken away the many happy moments

our lives are filled with, if only we recognize them.

As I finish this post, a song I love came on my itunes shuffle.

It's called Montana Half Light.

It is pure, calming, so beautiful.

It takes me though my life, the beginning, the middle, which is Tyke and 

the now.  I couldn't change anything that happened, 

but I can be so very grateful for that middle.

Who gets 16.441 days of bliss?

I did.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny

      

Healing

 Lord. make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

 Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith;

 Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness. joy.

After passing the one year mark of living without Tyke, I realized that I looked to this date as some kind of destination.  If I can just get through this year... The reality is I can't believe I survived one year without my husband, but living is what we all have to keep doing.  It was not a date that I wanted to commemorate.  My kids wanted to be with me, and we all feel better together. That was how we honored their Dad, their Grandpa, my love, all together.

"Life goes on and you will have a deeper capacity 

to love and empathize in the coming year."

-Alexandra Stoddard, On healing

My sons took care of some things that were actually things that Tyke would have sought their help for.  A dead branch hanging  over the backyard, too high to reach with a ladder.  My industrious son Jonathan, made a grappling hook with some paracord and a clamp.  It was hilarious watching his patience with Penny, who giving him repeated advice from the sidelines.  We imagined Tyke, doing the same thing. We all cheered when Jon was successful.  I told him that his Dad  would have sworn repeatedly.  Jon said, "Oh, I was swearing, just like Dad, only to myself." (Two things, first, Jon has been preparing his whole life for this opportunity.  He had a "Batarang" he made for himself when he was very young. It was a plastic wrench, with a length of macrame cord attached to it. Second, we talk about Tyke swearing.  He was a very kind gentleman,  and would not swear in polite company. When he was passionate or was frustrated about something, well, his vocabulary got colorful!)   Doug sawed up the branch, and took care of the mess.  Then Jon and Mike took our old TV out of the family room, (My babygrand Stevie "tuned" the old set out of existence) and Mike installed a far lighter, but immensely smaller TV in it's place. Tyke would have scoffed at it's petite screen, but it is not the main screen in our home, just for my news and Hallmark watching.

The babies were overjoyed to see everyone.  I had company each day of the weekend, and cards, texts , calls and gifts from my dearest friends and family. Kristen, Charlotte and my SIL Mindy posted on facebook in memory of Tyke.  I find it very hard to find the words that can possibly express how I feel.  Tyke will never be forgotten, will never not be a part of our lives.  I want to celebrate his beautiful life on his birthday each year and honor him by continuing to support the causes that have been important to us.  The Paper Source had a card at Halloween that had a drawing of two skeletons that said, " Till death do us part is for quitters."  It's how I feel. 

"Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, some where very near, Just around the corner. All is well.

-Henry Scott Holland

   

My heart, my family.

Each and everyone precious.

I love them more with each passing day.

Thinking of George Floyd's family who loved him as well.

Praying for peace, understanding, love and a better more 

inclusive world for our children and grandchildren.

"What wound did ever heal but by degrees?"

-William Shakespeare

Thank you for caring and your support though out this last year.

Find something beautiful in today.

Love, Penny

Reunited

An occasion that could not be postponed was my dear Granddaughter's birthday.  Penny turned eight years old!  We did a modified celebration.  Last year with Grandpa very ill, her birthday was a sad and anxious one.  This year we decided to celebrate, in a safe way and let our girl enjoy and celebrate and be celebrated for the amazing girl she is.

This Care Bears sign has to be 30 years old!

Here she is!  Penny is loving, caring, kind and funny.  She is wise beyond her years.  All she wanted for her birthday was to hug me!  Masks on, but hug we did!

 Penny received roller derby type skates from Mom and Dad, including all the pads, braces and a helmet that make it much safer.  Auntie Amanda polished and tuned up the used pair of skates for her and gave her some pointers.

Everyone kept their distance.  Son Mike looks so like his Dad here.

 Then we enjoyed a fire in the yard.  This new normal is anything but.  Still it was great to be together, and comforting to know that Penny had the celebration she deserved.  

 Not to say that tears didn't flow as I looked to the sky.  

 Then the rains came, more like a monsoon.  The skies opened up, and the back of our yard was flooded.  Rainy Days and Monday always get, me down.

Surprise surprise, look who showed up on Sunday.  Remember that tiny baby from about ten weeks ago?   Yep, it's Stevie!  

... and her little sister Irene! Two walking talking toddlers.  They were very suspicious at first, when Grandma was wearing a mask.  Even their Dad got some weird looks.  I had to show them who was under the mask, and then it was just fine.  They seemed to remember, Oh yeah, this place is fun!

Irene had to have a covid test because she was going to have a different test at the hospital.  We knew that the little ones were negative.  No distancing between twins. Irene is fine, just follow ups from them being preemies.

At some point, caution is our only ally during this pandemic, so were were very careful. There will be no magic wand when things open up again.  We will be in this until there is a vaccine or cure.

It was bittersweet seeing them play in the yard.  Tyke spoke of that very thing when they were born.  Irene loved the sprinkler, and didn't mind at all getting wet. She talks all the time, and is always on the move.  

Stevie was content to sit in the grass. They have changed so much, and grown.  Especially Stevie who is a few inches taller than Irene, and has lost her round baby appearance.

All in all, a happy, yet anxious weekend.  Wanting to do the right thing for everyone. 

 Every one of my family is well aware of the anniversary of our loss this week.  Yesterday was 46 years since I met my love.  Last year on that day we still had hope that Tyke would get better.  That we still had time. This first year without Tyke...who could have imagined a pandemic?  Being cut off from everyone while mourning. I can't tell you how much my family means to me.  I am here to take care of them, just as they are here to care for me.  Tyke is watching, saying. 

" Holy @#$% , What the #$%*".  He had a colorful vocabulary.

  Really, it's unbelievable what we, and I mean all of us have been through.

Your life, my life, everyone, no one has been spared this nightmare.  

I am so very sorry for those who have lost loved ones to the pandemic, or anyone who was unable to be close to their loved one as they died.  I was able to sleep next to Tyke in the hospital, we were able to bring him home to peacefully die surrounded with love and family. I can't imagine the pain of not being there.  

I thought this would be a happy post, but the reality is we all have much to mourn.

I am still here, I am holding my own.  

That's what I hope for all of you.   Know that I appreciate all the kindness through your comments and the many friendships I have found through my blog.

For that, and so many other blessings, I am grateful.

Find something beautiful in today.

Love, Penny

Wet Weekend

 Somehow, all I accomplished this weekend was to buy

 my groceries, pay some bills and hang my annual fern.

 I also hung my angel wind chime. I did the usual laundry, stripping the bed, cooked and cleaned.  Even dusted.  Still the days go by, and I have little inspiration to do much else.  Silly since I am such a homebody.  Now, how much I yearn to go...anywhere. These are all the same things I did for Tyke and myself during the week, but I always looked forward to Friday at 5:00 when he was all mine and we hit the road.

And the rain rain rain came down down down...

A old friend of mine suggested once that if you have a problem, or are feeling blue, light a candle.
I was feeling extra blue so I lit two.  Buscia's candle holder and a scented candle.
Some how it lifts the spirit.

The lilac drooped with the weight of the water.  

A pond formed at the back of the lawn.

"Everyone is like a magnet.  

You attract to yourself reflections of that which you are. 

 If you're friendly then everyone else seems friendly too." 

-David R. Hawkins

Next door the apple tree is blooming.

 I hope to get a photo under a clear blue sky, 

but there is no sun in the week's forecast.

The best view in the house.

Remembering Tyke

In the minefield of memory, these next couple of weeks are

dangerous and painful.  The fact that we cannot be together to 

share them makes it especially cruel.

I walked the path where a bench will be dedicated

 in memory of my dearest.

We thought it would be installed by this time,

 but with circumstance beyond anyone's control, 

we will have to wait until some time this summer.

*I walked away from the computer on Monday morning and completely forgot to finish this post.

Lost my train of thought, that is, if I had one...

When all else fails, a quote...

"There is no need to run outside for better seeing...

Rather abide at the center of your being,

for the more you leave it the less you learn.

Search your heart and see...

The way to do is to be."

-Lao-Tzu

Take care my friends, stay safe and remember

you are loved.

Find something beautiful in today.

Love, Penny

We carry them in our hearts...

My sweet Mommy, me, Greg and Tony. (before Larry and Jeff)

 Mother's Day.  Never been a big fan since I lost my dear Mom 35 years ago.  Still I love being with 

my family, I even like visiting the cemetery, something I once told my Mom I would never do.  This year there were no kids, no visits of any kind.  We did have face times, songs and giggles. It's noisy and loud and fun, but just not the same.

"Whether or not we are blessed to have our Mothers with us, we carry them in our hearts every day, and especially celebrate them on Mother's Day."

- House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

 Some of the hardy spring bulbs and hosta are doing well.  We had a hard frost last week and it took it's toll on many plants.

 The white lilac is sparse, and will need to warm up a bit before I can smell it's delicate fragrance.

Some years are off in the spring, and that's putting it mildly about this spring!

 Who knows if the peonies will put on a good show.  The leaves are so stunted.

 These lilac look dull in the cloudy light.

 Still beautiful.

 

 Oh my Bleeding Hearts!

Even these hardy plants didn't like the frost.

 A sweet gift from Amanda and Mike. I had a problem with our wifi.  Was on the phone with our provider for over an hour troubleshooting the problem.  Finally I spoke to Mike and he said he would be over the next day after work.  He came to the door in a mask.  I had mine on too.  He put on gloves before he touched anything and then I tackled him with the biggest hug around his midsection.  He held me as tight as I held him! How lonely I have been for that connection.  He was in and out within a half hour, fixed my problem, even increased the speed of my internet connection.  As he was leaving Mike opened his arms and said, "Bring it in."  We had another hug and I heard his heart beating and thought, here is part of Tyke and me.  Then, off he went. Yes Tyke, we have the best kids!

  The month of May is dedicated to the Blessed Mother.  I put together this little vignette.

I have always felt a connection to Mother Mary who promised to watch over the Earth.

We can really use all the help possible right now.

 I started looking for something, made a huge mess but found some little treasures.

My dearest, here he is maybe seven or eight years old? Photos of young Tyke are very rare and precious. This one I copied and made into a card.

 Here is Mr. Mallard, taking a stroll down our block.  I have been having many bird encounters.

I was on my walk and this Kestrel called from a tree across the street.  I stopped, took out my phone and took this photo. Little did I know this would annoy the little falcon.  He swooped down from the tree very close to me.  I was scared and thrilled by this close encounter. 

  

 Another treasure, a tiny teddy I made for Tyke.  (In my Teddy Bear making period)

My sweet Penny sent along this drawing.  I miss her and the twins so very much.  Can't wait till we can get back to exploring our favorite place.

 Last Autumn, she was a walking advertisement for Starbucks. We have so much fun together. We were trying to take a selfie when a sweet stranger took our photo.  Penny has charisma like no other.  She makes friends wherever we go.  Someday soon we will cause a ruckus together.

Another treasure unearthed.  The strange thing is I never appreciated John Prine until his recent death.  I loved so many of his songs that were covered by other artists, including John Denver, not knowing he wrote them. I did love Steve Goodman and his music but never saw him in person even though he was a local Chicago boy.  This treasure came from my long time friend Floyd, back in the day when he was away at school. (He was always away at school, just call him Dr. Floyd!) Floyd worked at events at the school and had these two artists sign an autograph for me. 

It took me two days to clean up the mess I made looking for a diary.  It was from 1974, a very important time in the life of this (at the time) girl.  One thing lead to another and I had to call my BFF Sue in California to share some info regarding her and her now hubby, Laury. Two hours later...after the kind of great conversation you only have with someone who has known you for over 50 years, I started reading May.  I met Tyke on the 25th.  At first sight, my life was never the same.  I was head over heels before I ever knew his name.  

I've been encouraged to write about this by my cousin Kathie.  She wrote a memoir of her life that I loved reading, especially the love story between Kathie and her dear husband Glenn. 

I hope that I can do our story justice. In this time alone, I find myself being comforted by the sweetest, most romantic and just plain funny memories of my dearest and of our love story.

Stay safe, we will get through this. 

 Thanks for stopping in and for your kind comments.

Find something beautiful in today.

Love, Penny