Autumn and Trying Happiness

A surprise gift from dear Jean and Tom.

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

 Puttering, I was always good at it, but now seems all I am capable of.  I get out some decorations and the hours pass.  I've been cleaning, straightening and purging.  I am hoarding groceries.  The pantries were an accident waiting to happen.  Open a door and a can falls on your foot.  Then there is my storage in the laundry room.  Now, a small victory.  I know what I have and what I need for the coming winter holidays and to entertain my dear ones when they visit.

 Visit they did.  The whole bunch, except for the happy wanderer Amanda and the hard studying Mama of our twins, Charlotte.  More on what she is studying for at a later date. I baked a couple of apple pies.  Should making pie be an emotional event?  Everything sets off memories.  My dearest LOVED a fresh baked pie.  The anticipation was almost as good as the tasting.  Nothing made my guy happier that a cozy nap on a autumn Saturday, with the smell of apple pie in the oven drifting through the house..  Not seeing him in his chair is difficult.  When it gets really bad I will be sitting in that chair, remembering.

  

 This kitchen space gets a cleaning and rearranging.

 Changing things up is what I do.  I don't know if my kids appreciate it, 

but my granddaughter Penny does.

I'm sure that the babies will.  The are drawn to sparkle and lights. 

These lovelies are from my dear pal Carmella.  She remembers me in so many touching ways.

 I want our home, the family home to be welcoming.  

 Every year I pull the stalks from the day lilies and display them, this year in Mom's old crock.  The oak leaves were found on a walk, they even had acorns attached!

The throw is old but the pillow is not.  Inexpensive but pretty.

"Anyone who thinks that fallen leaves are dead has never watched them dancing on a windy day."

Shira Tamir

My dearest may be gone, but I feel he is with me, in our home, when I walk.  Memories of him can make me laugh out loud or cry, then back to laughter. Who gets a life like we had together?  So many have sadness, disappointment or unfulfilled dreams.  I am so grateful for the gift of Tyke and the happy, beautiful and rich life we had together.   Happiness comes and goes, just like sadness and loneliness.   I am trying out happiness, a few moments at a time.  It is easy when surrounded by family, harder when alone. I miss him so very much, his soulful brown eyes, his laugh. His touch.  Mending this broken heart will take time.

Thank you for your kindness and support. 

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny   

The First Day of Autumn

Grandpa and Penny in Sharon Springs, NY 2013

 "Memories and stories help you rebuild.  Things most precious to you may be gone, lost to the wicked wind, but you remember what has been, and you move on."  Rachael Hanel

 A weekend quiet and rainy. A Friday visit from Kris, Doug and Penny.  Sweet snuggles with my girls and hugs from my son in law too. I shopped with daughter in law Amanda. Saturday morning errands are so much more pleasant with company.   I puttered and decorated for the season.  I have a small fan club for my decorations, Granddaughter Penny notices everything.  She may move things around thinking that this would look better here than there.  She is usually right.  

Where did Summer go?    There were moments of joy, even hours enjoyed.  I walked everyday. Putting one foot in front of the other, I even stopped to take photos, of the sky or a pretty flower.  Going through the motions of normal.

 Now that the seasons are changing, I feel a change in me.  It is slow but sure.  The reality of me making my life without.  Such a lonely word, without.

 Still he is everywhere.  Memories, sights and sounds.

 Cheering me on.  Small victories.  Finding a file I needed to complete a service project. Installing new smoke detectors.  I feel a cosmic high five.  "Smart girl" he would say.  "See, you can do it!"

 A hundred times a day I look for his guidance. My dearest is alive in my heart.

 This photo.  Through the sunlight streaming through the window.  I changed Elise's dress.  Now she is wearing a dress belonging to my dear Mom.  Light washed out all the color.  The same way grief does. Slowly the color is coming back, muted tones, but colors.

 Time marches on, and I am stumbling to keep up.

 Day by day, sometimes hour by hour I am moving forward.

The babies are starting to understand Face time.  They are excited and smiling when we talk.  Penny and I bonded over Face time when she lived in New York.  I see the babies in person often.   They are tremendous!  Stevie wants FUN!  I love making her laugh.  Irene wants snuggles. She has a face like a little Madonna, the Blessed Mother, not the rock star.  The girls are so connected to each other.  Holding hands or each others toes, just to make contact.  It an amazing thing to see. 

Penny now a second grader is my closest confidant and friend.  She knows how to get me out of a blue mood with just a look.  The same silly looks that Grandpa used to give her, she now gives to me.  

My kids, how can I ever say what they have meant to me, or how their very presence helps.  Mike just dropped by and loaded books into my car to donate and dismantled a large computer desk.  The hugs are healing, the love is strong and my dearest is part of them.  The closest I can come to his embrace.  Getting things done around here. Baby steps, small, but still forward motion.

 I made potato pancakes last week.  I don't know how to make a few pancakes.  Even trying to cut back my recipe, I made over thirty.  My Mom and Buscia made theirs on a box grater.  Ten pounds of potatoes, peeled grated and fried.  It took them hours.  I peeled with a peeler.  Buscia with a paring knife.  She grated till her knuckles were raw.  I fired up the food processor grated and then chopped the grated potato in a few minutes.  I made tomato basil soup and together with the pancakes, it tasted like comfort.  Then I threw the remaining pancakes in the freezer.   My brother Greg came to visit Sunday to watch a Cubs game and have a nap. We ate the soup and the pancakes, perfect on a very rainy Sunday. (Everyone who comes to our home ends up napping.;-)

  

 I've baked.  I put together some gifts for a service project. I bought a new sewing machine, one I can take to events but I haven't even played with it. Hard to get started, but once I do I have projects galore.

I'm preparing for the colder months like a squirrel.  Stocking the pantry, pulling out the throws and  pillows that cozy up the house. The zucchini bread I baked is almost gone. I have a recipe from William Sonoma, I sampled with Amanda.  Made with Pecan Pumpkin butter and a cake mix it was so good, can't wait to make it for the family.

I have a new favorite thing to follow on Facebook.  It's called Choir Choir Choir.  These guys teach a group of people three part harmony to a song and then perform it.  The venues look like bars and theaters.  I lie in bed and sing along.  I was a choir member from grade school till having children.  I met my dearest because of a choir party.  I cannot listen to any of "our" songs, which are many, but these are usually songs that have none of the emotions connected to my own favorites.  I think it's such a cool idea.  Last night they sang Our House by Crosby, Stills and Nash.  I only listened for a minute before the tears came.  I used to sing that song to my dearest on many occasions, either leaving or returning to our house.  Still, it is a uplifting concept. If they ever come to our area, I would love to go.   

This post was easier than the last.

Hoping that this healing continues, and that I can start feeling more like myself, my new self.

My new reality.  There are setbacks everyday.  A memory is sparked and the tears fall.  Sometimes the memory comes and I laugh out loud at the thought of it.  Occasionally there is a unmistakable  sign that he is with me still,  and I say out loud, I see you.

and I love you.

Thank you for the kindest comments.  Some of you are dear friends and others sweet followers. Just know that you are a comfort to me, and I will never forget your kindness.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny

He was my North, my South my East and West...

This is us, January of this year.

 "We are given dazzling sunlight, fragrant air, new birth, beauty all around us and we have to register it all in our soul.  While we are experiencing morning and spring, somewhere in the world there is darkness and sadness.  That's life."  Alexandra Stoddard 

It is with great sadness and a broken heart, I want to share that I lost my dear husband and best friend  after a nine month battle with cancer in May.

Grandpa and Penny

My husband was the kindest and most generous man. He was brave and kind through the hardest days. He left everyone with a smile, when God knows, sometimes he had little reason to. In the nine months since his diagnosis, we lived, loved and laughed.  We had hopes for the future when after 12 chemos his numbers and scans were good, but then...  Maybe someday I will be able to tell that part of the story.  My dearest left this world peacefully at home, surrounded by his family that he loved so very much.  I got him home.  I held him till the end. I thought I would die too that evening, but here I am.  A surprise really, for I could not imagine living without my dearest.   Here I am 100+ days later, still breathing.  Trying to put one foot in front of the other and trying to make my dearest proud.

On his birthday we planted this kinetic wind sculpture in his memory.
 

                                                    

 My husband rarely took a photo without a funny look.  

Some of the sillier photos are a great comfort to me today. 

 He was so very attractive, so charming, friendly, loving, happy, silly, sweet, sexy, gentle, tender , sensitive, smart, genius really.  He was the best Dad to our kids, thoughtful, generous and wise.  As a grandpa, there was never a sillier, more playful and sweet one than he. 

 We were together for 45 years.  We were just kids when we fell in love.  I fell in love at first sight, he came around pretty quick.  He asked me to marry him after we knew each other for just two months... I said no because I thought he might be on drugs.  Seriously, I was older and wiser by 1 year and 5 months.  Would I change a thing about our 45 years, except for his suffering, no.  We were so happy together and loved each other like crazy.  We spent all of our time together as a family, and when the kids went out into the world, we became each other's world.  That is why losing him has been so very difficult. No amount of time would have ever been enough.

 I am grateful that he got to meet and spend time with our new granddaughters. How things worked out in the end is worth mentioning.  Our son Jon fell down the stairs and blew out his knee. It was so traumatic  This was while my dearest was having complications and baby Stevie was just home from the NICU and Irene was still in the hospital.

Since we couldn't help Jon, and Jon could not help us, they moved in.  So Jon and his Dad spent time watching movies and sharing time together while I was able to take care of them both. The girls came to our house and were with us, and then stayed with me through the hardest days.  Jon was able to be  home with his amazing wife and beautiful girls in those first few months, if he had not been hurt, he would have just been home a couple of weeks.  What was so overwhelming then, seems almost divine intervention, now looking back. Something, or someone was looking over us.

Jon is doing well, back at work and still regaining strength in his repaired knee. Jon, Charlotte and the girls were with us and after we lost my love, Mike was able to get 10 bereavement days from his wonderful company, Apple. Amanda was with us, Kris, Doug and Penny were always here. Penny, at a mature seven going on forty, has been my rock.  There was no one closer to Grandpa, except me.  We did everything together, and though her loss is great, she remembers the fun, the silly things that made their relationship so priceless. 

They say that how people react to adversity shows what they are really made of.  Our children and their spouses are made of love.  Pure love and kindness to me and each other.

  Being together was the only way we got through those first terrible days without my guy.  Their Dad always said to me, we have the best kids!  We really do.  They loved their Dad so much, and they were with him, bringing him snacks, making him laugh.  We got a reputation in the emergency room, the guys made us laugh so hard.  I asked one of the techs if we were disturbing anyone.  He said that they were talking about us, about how nice and kind we all were.  That is my family.  They are that way because of my husband's example. They love each other too.  That was so important to my dearest, and a comfort to us both. They are brothers and sister but all of them, spouses and siblings are very close.  They are even closer now. They have all been here for me.  Sometimes a call, a text, many times a all day visit.  We started a family text in the beginning of their Dad's illness.  Every doctor's visit, chemo, test or procedure brought us messages, gifs, jokes, photos and funny comments that we really loved and needed. Our friends Jean and Tom never forgot a occasion to cheer up their friends.  We'd come home to a treat, a surprise or note, telling us that they cared.  I will be forever grateful.

These little ones are 6 months old now.

Don't ask me how I'm doing, I will just cry.  It's so hard to talk about him, not to family or those who were especially close, but to neighbors who saw us walking everyday.  The mail lady, 

the places we went as a couple.  I am rarely alone, but am so very lonely.  I miss Tyke. Now his name is a prayer forever on my lips and in my heart.  I have so many happy wonderful memories.  I am so glad that I was able to share them here.  At Home in English Valley was our story.  A love story that was never sugar coated or polished up for the blog.  It really was that happy and filled with love.

 He did make all of my dreams come true and I am a better woman because of his love.

I am starting this next chapter of my life, with enough love to last me... until we meet again my love.  What more could I ask for?

Thank you to those who reached out asking if I was ok.  

I will try and get back on this horse and post again.  

 As always,

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny