He was my North, my South my East and West...

This is us, January of this year.

 "We are given dazzling sunlight, fragrant air, new birth, beauty all around us and we have to register it all in our soul.  While we are experiencing morning and spring, somewhere in the world there is darkness and sadness.  That's life."  Alexandra Stoddard 

It is with great sadness and a broken heart, I want to share that I lost my dear husband and best friend  after a nine month battle with cancer in May.

Grandpa and Penny

My husband was the kindest and most generous man. He was brave and kind through the hardest days. He left everyone with a smile, when God knows, sometimes he had little reason to. In the nine months since his diagnosis, we lived, loved and laughed.  We had hopes for the future when after 12 chemos his numbers and scans were good, but then...  Maybe someday I will be able to tell that part of the story.  My dearest left this world peacefully at home, surrounded by his family that he loved so very much.  I got him home.  I held him till the end. I thought I would die too that evening, but here I am.  A surprise really, for I could not imagine living without my dearest.   Here I am 100+ days later, still breathing.  Trying to put one foot in front of the other and trying to make my dearest proud.

On his birthday we planted this kinetic wind sculpture in his memory.
 

                                                    

 My husband rarely took a photo without a funny look.  

Some of the sillier photos are a great comfort to me today. 

 He was so very attractive, so charming, friendly, loving, happy, silly, sweet, sexy, gentle, tender , sensitive, smart, genius really.  He was the best Dad to our kids, thoughtful, generous and wise.  As a grandpa, there was never a sillier, more playful and sweet one than he. 

 We were together for 45 years.  We were just kids when we fell in love.  I fell in love at first sight, he came around pretty quick.  He asked me to marry him after we knew each other for just two months... I said no because I thought he might be on drugs.  Seriously, I was older and wiser by 1 year and 5 months.  Would I change a thing about our 45 years, except for his suffering, no.  We were so happy together and loved each other like crazy.  We spent all of our time together as a family, and when the kids went out into the world, we became each other's world.  That is why losing him has been so very difficult. No amount of time would have ever been enough.

 I am grateful that he got to meet and spend time with our new granddaughters. How things worked out in the end is worth mentioning.  Our son Jon fell down the stairs and blew out his knee. It was so traumatic  This was while my dearest was having complications and baby Stevie was just home from the NICU and Irene was still in the hospital.

Since we couldn't help Jon, and Jon could not help us, they moved in.  So Jon and his Dad spent time watching movies and sharing time together while I was able to take care of them both. The girls came to our house and were with us, and then stayed with me through the hardest days.  Jon was able to be  home with his amazing wife and beautiful girls in those first few months, if he had not been hurt, he would have just been home a couple of weeks.  What was so overwhelming then, seems almost divine intervention, now looking back. Something, or someone was looking over us.

Jon is doing well, back at work and still regaining strength in his repaired knee. Jon, Charlotte and the girls were with us and after we lost my love, Mike was able to get 10 bereavement days from his wonderful company, Apple. Amanda was with us, Kris, Doug and Penny were always here. Penny, at a mature seven going on forty, has been my rock.  There was no one closer to Grandpa, except me.  We did everything together, and though her loss is great, she remembers the fun, the silly things that made their relationship so priceless. 

They say that how people react to adversity shows what they are really made of.  Our children and their spouses are made of love.  Pure love and kindness to me and each other.

  Being together was the only way we got through those first terrible days without my guy.  Their Dad always said to me, we have the best kids!  We really do.  They loved their Dad so much, and they were with him, bringing him snacks, making him laugh.  We got a reputation in the emergency room, the guys made us laugh so hard.  I asked one of the techs if we were disturbing anyone.  He said that they were talking about us, about how nice and kind we all were.  That is my family.  They are that way because of my husband's example. They love each other too.  That was so important to my dearest, and a comfort to us both. They are brothers and sister but all of them, spouses and siblings are very close.  They are even closer now. They have all been here for me.  Sometimes a call, a text, many times a all day visit.  We started a family text in the beginning of their Dad's illness.  Every doctor's visit, chemo, test or procedure brought us messages, gifs, jokes, photos and funny comments that we really loved and needed. Our friends Jean and Tom never forgot a occasion to cheer up their friends.  We'd come home to a treat, a surprise or note, telling us that they cared.  I will be forever grateful.

These little ones are 6 months old now.

Don't ask me how I'm doing, I will just cry.  It's so hard to talk about him, not to family or those who were especially close, but to neighbors who saw us walking everyday.  The mail lady, 

the places we went as a couple.  I am rarely alone, but am so very lonely.  I miss Tyke. Now his name is a prayer forever on my lips and in my heart.  I have so many happy wonderful memories.  I am so glad that I was able to share them here.  At Home in English Valley was our story.  A love story that was never sugar coated or polished up for the blog.  It really was that happy and filled with love.

 He did make all of my dreams come true and I am a better woman because of his love.

I am starting this next chapter of my life, with enough love to last me... until we meet again my love.  What more could I ask for?

Thank you to those who reached out asking if I was ok.  

I will try and get back on this horse and post again.  

 As always,

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny