The First Day of Autumn

Grandpa and Penny in Sharon Springs, NY 2013

 "Memories and stories help you rebuild.  Things most precious to you may be gone, lost to the wicked wind, but you remember what has been, and you move on."  Rachael Hanel

 A weekend quiet and rainy. A Friday visit from Kris, Doug and Penny.  Sweet snuggles with my girls and hugs from my son in law too. I shopped with daughter in law Amanda. Saturday morning errands are so much more pleasant with company.   I puttered and decorated for the season.  I have a small fan club for my decorations, Granddaughter Penny notices everything.  She may move things around thinking that this would look better here than there.  She is usually right.  

Where did Summer go?    There were moments of joy, even hours enjoyed.  I walked everyday. Putting one foot in front of the other, I even stopped to take photos, of the sky or a pretty flower.  Going through the motions of normal.

 Now that the seasons are changing, I feel a change in me.  It is slow but sure.  The reality of me making my life without.  Such a lonely word, without.

 Still he is everywhere.  Memories, sights and sounds.

 Cheering me on.  Small victories.  Finding a file I needed to complete a service project. Installing new smoke detectors.  I feel a cosmic high five.  "Smart girl" he would say.  "See, you can do it!"

 A hundred times a day I look for his guidance. My dearest is alive in my heart.

 This photo.  Through the sunlight streaming through the window.  I changed Elise's dress.  Now she is wearing a dress belonging to my dear Mom.  Light washed out all the color.  The same way grief does. Slowly the color is coming back, muted tones, but colors.

 Time marches on, and I am stumbling to keep up.

 Day by day, sometimes hour by hour I am moving forward.

The babies are starting to understand Face time.  They are excited and smiling when we talk.  Penny and I bonded over Face time when she lived in New York.  I see the babies in person often.   They are tremendous!  Stevie wants FUN!  I love making her laugh.  Irene wants snuggles. She has a face like a little Madonna, the Blessed Mother, not the rock star.  The girls are so connected to each other.  Holding hands or each others toes, just to make contact.  It an amazing thing to see. 

Penny now a second grader is my closest confidant and friend.  She knows how to get me out of a blue mood with just a look.  The same silly looks that Grandpa used to give her, she now gives to me.  

My kids, how can I ever say what they have meant to me, or how their very presence helps.  Mike just dropped by and loaded books into my car to donate and dismantled a large computer desk.  The hugs are healing, the love is strong and my dearest is part of them.  The closest I can come to his embrace.  Getting things done around here. Baby steps, small, but still forward motion.

 I made potato pancakes last week.  I don't know how to make a few pancakes.  Even trying to cut back my recipe, I made over thirty.  My Mom and Buscia made theirs on a box grater.  Ten pounds of potatoes, peeled grated and fried.  It took them hours.  I peeled with a peeler.  Buscia with a paring knife.  She grated till her knuckles were raw.  I fired up the food processor grated and then chopped the grated potato in a few minutes.  I made tomato basil soup and together with the pancakes, it tasted like comfort.  Then I threw the remaining pancakes in the freezer.   My brother Greg came to visit Sunday to watch a Cubs game and have a nap. We ate the soup and the pancakes, perfect on a very rainy Sunday. (Everyone who comes to our home ends up napping.;-)

  

 I've baked.  I put together some gifts for a service project. I bought a new sewing machine, one I can take to events but I haven't even played with it. Hard to get started, but once I do I have projects galore.

I'm preparing for the colder months like a squirrel.  Stocking the pantry, pulling out the throws and  pillows that cozy up the house. The zucchini bread I baked is almost gone. I have a recipe from William Sonoma, I sampled with Amanda.  Made with Pecan Pumpkin butter and a cake mix it was so good, can't wait to make it for the family.

I have a new favorite thing to follow on Facebook.  It's called Choir Choir Choir.  These guys teach a group of people three part harmony to a song and then perform it.  The venues look like bars and theaters.  I lie in bed and sing along.  I was a choir member from grade school till having children.  I met my dearest because of a choir party.  I cannot listen to any of "our" songs, which are many, but these are usually songs that have none of the emotions connected to my own favorites.  I think it's such a cool idea.  Last night they sang Our House by Crosby, Stills and Nash.  I only listened for a minute before the tears came.  I used to sing that song to my dearest on many occasions, either leaving or returning to our house.  Still, it is a uplifting concept. If they ever come to our area, I would love to go.   

This post was easier than the last.

Hoping that this healing continues, and that I can start feeling more like myself, my new self.

My new reality.  There are setbacks everyday.  A memory is sparked and the tears fall.  Sometimes the memory comes and I laugh out loud at the thought of it.  Occasionally there is a unmistakable  sign that he is with me still,  and I say out loud, I see you.

and I love you.

Thank you for the kindest comments.  Some of you are dear friends and others sweet followers. Just know that you are a comfort to me, and I will never forget your kindness.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny