Taking the Gentle Path...

 Autumn had me standing in the middle of the street on a recent walk.   I have been walking with my head down, but slowly, I have been walking and stopping to admire the sky and trees.

 Spending time with my granddaughter is soul soothing.  Here we are at our favorite place, The Chicago Botanic Garden.  We usually steer clear of the cafe, it's pricey, but my girl has been asking every time we visit. We sat and had soup, mac and cheese and hot apple cider.  Tiny sparrows landed all around us, looking for a dropped crumb.  There was a sign, to keep the birds wild and refrain from feeding them.  They were so cute. (We decided next time to have a few seeds in our pockets, to feed them what they normally eat.)  It was brisk and sunny. A beautiful day.

 We walked in the English Walled Garden, my favorite place  This cabinet is new, and we have seen it now in three seasons.  I need one of these in my garden.

 Penny was a walking advertisement for Starbucks. As I took pictures of her, I kept on telling her to put down the cup!  Sipping warm cider was so enjoyable to her, I don't think I had a photo of her without it.

 

 The rose garden was still filled with blooms.  It was also filled with children.  The Chicago Public School teachers are on strike.  It was my good fortune to have my girl on a precious weekday.

 This is the first time I saw a Bonsai tree with it's leaves in all it's Autumn glory.  Just amazing.
We took the tram, again, and then walked right past our car in the parking lot.  Clicking my key fob to sound the horn...  Usually I would get very nervous, but with Penny, it became a game.  She is a tremendous girl and a fun companion any day.

 Back in the neighborhood, we walked and talked some more.

 

"The weird weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you're faced with tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, the seconds keep ticking." -James Patterson

Shakespeare said to give sorrow words. I guess that's what I am trying to do here.  I don't feel like me, look like me, talk like me.  I feel like I am still here somewhere, though half of me is gone. Writing helps, but if you saw the mound of tissues it takes to write a post, you might be surprised.  Things are still hard, as life goes on without my guy.

Then there's this... 

Tomorrow will be 35 years since I lost my Mom.  She died just two weeks before our son Micheal was born.  Once again, in our time of sorrow, babies have helped us through.  Mikey was raised with lots of tears, but was such a sweet and happy baby. (and a kind, sweet and soft hearted man, much like his father.) He not only helped me though the loss of my Mom but also helped my Dad through a loss I only now understand.  Our girls Stevie and Irene (named after my Mom) are helping us all get through.  They are the cutest most cheerful little girls.  They are now seven months old and so happy to see me when they visit. My arms are never empty when they are here.  They think cousin Penny is so funny.  I see the admiration in their tiny faces.  I make sure to spend quiet time with each of them.  I whisper things about grandpa, so they will know about him.  They love a whisper or a meeting under a blanket.  Pure joy and love for all my three girls.  So grateful for the memory of a loving, kind and funny Mom.  I love you and miss you still.

Thank you for your support and kindness.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny

Cherished Autumn Traditions

"The dying is a part of the renewal and the colors are calling us to live.  Hurry on and live".

Alexandra Stoddard

A wonderful visit of the cousins made my Sunday a happy and busy day.  Six beautiful girls!  My three baby grands and my three great nieces.  Everyone wanted to hold the babies, and they were happy for a split second then wanted a more familiar face.  Our Zoe who is no longer the baby was a "chatterbox" and anxious to help with the tiny twins.  Zoe is hiding at the right.  My girls, our girls are so very special.  Each has a bit of my heart.  

 Keeping with the tradition of visiting Edwards Orchard, dear son Mike and sweet Amanda came along for the first time.  Penny and Grandma and Grandpa visited every year since Penny moved back to Chicagoland from New York.  Sweet memories brought some tears, but Penny was quick to soothe dear old Grandma and provide the comedy for the day.  We laughed as she visited the pirate ship and General Store.  Penny tried to climb these large truck tires, and we were both giggling as tried  to  hold on, but slipped off into my arms.  

The place was packed with kids off from school, so it wasn't the best visit.  Poor Amanda is recovering from knee surgery, Mike was pushing her wheelchair over uneven ground.  Still Amanda was especially happy to get out of the house and enjoyed some hot cider and apple cider donuts with us.  Mike navigated the country roads and found some of his favorites in the barn filled with gifts, apples and specialty foods. Penny shared her nachos and sampled many of the dips and jellies set out to taste.  A girl after her Grandpa who also enjoyed the sampling more than the rest of the visit.

Have I mentioned how wonderful this girl is?  

We always have a great time when we are together.

Reflections on the water, like shadows in my mind...

Later towards sunset we walked the neighborhood. 

 It was such a beautiful evening, the air crisp and very fallish.

 The milkweed pods are ripe.   The seed and the floss are bursting out and spreading the seed to the wind. This neighborhood spot has hundreds of milkweed plants, and might even be the source of the plants that now show up in my garden each year.  It's been a couple of weeks since I saw the last Monarch butterfly in my garden.  I say Adios and safe travels 

to all the Jerry's that pass this time of year.  

  The silky floss is exquisite.  A marvel of nature.

Two Pennies!

Thank you for stopping by and for the tremendous 

kindness and patience you have shown me.

I am forever grateful.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny

  

The Price of Love

As the last Monarch visited the garden, 

I have lived another month of my life in the unfamiliar world 

without my best friend and husband.

There is still beauty, love and even joy to be had in this world.  

The flowers are still blooming, the cool crisp Autumn days we loved are calling me outdoors.

I share my time with my granddaughters and family.  I got to walk with my baby girls for the first time.  They stayed awake for the entire time, and looked at me when we headed back to the house, like, that's all Grandma?  So around the neighborhood we went.  They are all happy companions, and I see my husband in each of them.

 The hydrangea are putting on a late show after a rainy and cool  period.  

Me and my little shadow.  Penny and I walked and 

talked and remembered on a cool Sunday morning.

 She is awesome and fun.  

Smart and full of nature facts, compliments of her school's great ecology program. 

 A nature lover, like me and full of energy that's contagious.

In other words, I have to keep up.

A trip to the local nursery for pumpkins and broom corn.

 Not one to miss a photo opportunity, Penny hopped right into the sleigh. We are hoping to someday take a real sleigh ride.  We were not able to check this off our bucket list with Grandpa.

I am so grateful that she loves to spend time with me.

Penny makes sure I don't dwell on the sadness,

 but remember the fun we always had together.

October has always been a sad month to me.  I lost my Mom many years ago on a bright October day.

John Denver died in October too.  Something about the light, and the short days.  

The loss of my dearest has changed my life in so many ways, yet here I am after days, weeks and months.  Life goes on. My heart still  beats because of our family. I laugh because of my kids.  We cry together. but it often ends in laughter.  That's exactly what their Dad would want, and exactly what he always did.  He made me laugh, we loved to laugh.  He had a heart as soft as marshmallow.  They all have that soft heart from their Dad.  He is loved, missed and remembered more than I can express.  He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thought I have at night.   Sometimes my dreams of him are so vivid, I can feel the warmth of his kiss.   

"Grief never ends.  But it changes.  

It's a passage, not a place to stay.

Grief is not a sign of weakness, 

nor a lack of faith.

It is the price of love."

-Author Unknown

Thank you for stopping by and for your kindness.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny

Autumn and Trying Happiness

A surprise gift from dear Jean and Tom.

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

 Puttering, I was always good at it, but now seems all I am capable of.  I get out some decorations and the hours pass.  I've been cleaning, straightening and purging.  I am hoarding groceries.  The pantries were an accident waiting to happen.  Open a door and a can falls on your foot.  Then there is my storage in the laundry room.  Now, a small victory.  I know what I have and what I need for the coming winter holidays and to entertain my dear ones when they visit.

 Visit they did.  The whole bunch, except for the happy wanderer Amanda and the hard studying Mama of our twins, Charlotte.  More on what she is studying for at a later date. I baked a couple of apple pies.  Should making pie be an emotional event?  Everything sets off memories.  My dearest LOVED a fresh baked pie.  The anticipation was almost as good as the tasting.  Nothing made my guy happier that a cozy nap on a autumn Saturday, with the smell of apple pie in the oven drifting through the house..  Not seeing him in his chair is difficult.  When it gets really bad I will be sitting in that chair, remembering.

  

 This kitchen space gets a cleaning and rearranging.

 Changing things up is what I do.  I don't know if my kids appreciate it, 

but my granddaughter Penny does.

I'm sure that the babies will.  The are drawn to sparkle and lights. 

These lovelies are from my dear pal Carmella.  She remembers me in so many touching ways.

 I want our home, the family home to be welcoming.  

 Every year I pull the stalks from the day lilies and display them, this year in Mom's old crock.  The oak leaves were found on a walk, they even had acorns attached!

The throw is old but the pillow is not.  Inexpensive but pretty.

"Anyone who thinks that fallen leaves are dead has never watched them dancing on a windy day."

Shira Tamir

My dearest may be gone, but I feel he is with me, in our home, when I walk.  Memories of him can make me laugh out loud or cry, then back to laughter. Who gets a life like we had together?  So many have sadness, disappointment or unfulfilled dreams.  I am so grateful for the gift of Tyke and the happy, beautiful and rich life we had together.   Happiness comes and goes, just like sadness and loneliness.   I am trying out happiness, a few moments at a time.  It is easy when surrounded by family, harder when alone. I miss him so very much, his soulful brown eyes, his laugh. His touch.  Mending this broken heart will take time.

Thank you for your kindness and support. 

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny   

The First Day of Autumn

Grandpa and Penny in Sharon Springs, NY 2013

 "Memories and stories help you rebuild.  Things most precious to you may be gone, lost to the wicked wind, but you remember what has been, and you move on."  Rachael Hanel

 A weekend quiet and rainy. A Friday visit from Kris, Doug and Penny.  Sweet snuggles with my girls and hugs from my son in law too. I shopped with daughter in law Amanda. Saturday morning errands are so much more pleasant with company.   I puttered and decorated for the season.  I have a small fan club for my decorations, Granddaughter Penny notices everything.  She may move things around thinking that this would look better here than there.  She is usually right.  

Where did Summer go?    There were moments of joy, even hours enjoyed.  I walked everyday. Putting one foot in front of the other, I even stopped to take photos, of the sky or a pretty flower.  Going through the motions of normal.

 Now that the seasons are changing, I feel a change in me.  It is slow but sure.  The reality of me making my life without.  Such a lonely word, without.

 Still he is everywhere.  Memories, sights and sounds.

 Cheering me on.  Small victories.  Finding a file I needed to complete a service project. Installing new smoke detectors.  I feel a cosmic high five.  "Smart girl" he would say.  "See, you can do it!"

 A hundred times a day I look for his guidance. My dearest is alive in my heart.

 This photo.  Through the sunlight streaming through the window.  I changed Elise's dress.  Now she is wearing a dress belonging to my dear Mom.  Light washed out all the color.  The same way grief does. Slowly the color is coming back, muted tones, but colors.

 Time marches on, and I am stumbling to keep up.

 Day by day, sometimes hour by hour I am moving forward.

The babies are starting to understand Face time.  They are excited and smiling when we talk.  Penny and I bonded over Face time when she lived in New York.  I see the babies in person often.   They are tremendous!  Stevie wants FUN!  I love making her laugh.  Irene wants snuggles. She has a face like a little Madonna, the Blessed Mother, not the rock star.  The girls are so connected to each other.  Holding hands or each others toes, just to make contact.  It an amazing thing to see. 

Penny now a second grader is my closest confidant and friend.  She knows how to get me out of a blue mood with just a look.  The same silly looks that Grandpa used to give her, she now gives to me.  

My kids, how can I ever say what they have meant to me, or how their very presence helps.  Mike just dropped by and loaded books into my car to donate and dismantled a large computer desk.  The hugs are healing, the love is strong and my dearest is part of them.  The closest I can come to his embrace.  Getting things done around here. Baby steps, small, but still forward motion.

 I made potato pancakes last week.  I don't know how to make a few pancakes.  Even trying to cut back my recipe, I made over thirty.  My Mom and Buscia made theirs on a box grater.  Ten pounds of potatoes, peeled grated and fried.  It took them hours.  I peeled with a peeler.  Buscia with a paring knife.  She grated till her knuckles were raw.  I fired up the food processor grated and then chopped the grated potato in a few minutes.  I made tomato basil soup and together with the pancakes, it tasted like comfort.  Then I threw the remaining pancakes in the freezer.   My brother Greg came to visit Sunday to watch a Cubs game and have a nap. We ate the soup and the pancakes, perfect on a very rainy Sunday. (Everyone who comes to our home ends up napping.;-)

  

 I've baked.  I put together some gifts for a service project. I bought a new sewing machine, one I can take to events but I haven't even played with it. Hard to get started, but once I do I have projects galore.

I'm preparing for the colder months like a squirrel.  Stocking the pantry, pulling out the throws and  pillows that cozy up the house. The zucchini bread I baked is almost gone. I have a recipe from William Sonoma, I sampled with Amanda.  Made with Pecan Pumpkin butter and a cake mix it was so good, can't wait to make it for the family.

I have a new favorite thing to follow on Facebook.  It's called Choir Choir Choir.  These guys teach a group of people three part harmony to a song and then perform it.  The venues look like bars and theaters.  I lie in bed and sing along.  I was a choir member from grade school till having children.  I met my dearest because of a choir party.  I cannot listen to any of "our" songs, which are many, but these are usually songs that have none of the emotions connected to my own favorites.  I think it's such a cool idea.  Last night they sang Our House by Crosby, Stills and Nash.  I only listened for a minute before the tears came.  I used to sing that song to my dearest on many occasions, either leaving or returning to our house.  Still, it is a uplifting concept. If they ever come to our area, I would love to go.   

This post was easier than the last.

Hoping that this healing continues, and that I can start feeling more like myself, my new self.

My new reality.  There are setbacks everyday.  A memory is sparked and the tears fall.  Sometimes the memory comes and I laugh out loud at the thought of it.  Occasionally there is a unmistakable  sign that he is with me still,  and I say out loud, I see you.

and I love you.

Thank you for the kindest comments.  Some of you are dear friends and others sweet followers. Just know that you are a comfort to me, and I will never forget your kindness.

Enjoy this beautiful day.

Love, Penny